#15 Are You Being TOO Nice At Work?

Are you the one who everyone asks for help at the office and you have a hard time saying no? This episode will help you get clear on why you are behaving that way, when it may or may not be a good idea to help out, and some tips on how to take steps to start changing your behavior.

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Transcript

Hi! This is Anita Belitz from the Wise Women’s Workplace. Today’s episode is going to focus on the topic of being TOO nice at work – in particular when people are taking advantage of your kindness and wish to serve. So this episode will help you get clear on why you do it, how to identify when you should and shouldn’t help out, and some tips on how to avoid getting stuck helping others when you don’t really want to!

Backstory (Desires internal and external)

I’m sure most of us have been there – I know I have. A colleague asks for help and you say yes without too much thought. I mean, we’re all part of the team and you want to get along and help out, right? Or maybe you’re really just a nice person and you like to help others. Maybe someone higher up then you asks you to do things and you feel like you really can’t say no. Or you think it will make you look good and help get you recognition. Or, some people are really gifted at asking for your help in a way that makes it hard for you to say no. Or maybe, someone asks if you have two minutes to help out and it turns into two hours! There are so many reasons we want to be nice and situations where it is difficult to say no!

OK, some of us like to be liked. Some of us dislike confrontation. Some of us like variation in our day-to-day responsibilities. Whatever the reason, I want to be clear, I believe it IS ok to help colleagues at work – but it has to be within reason. If you agree to help someone at work and you really didn’t want to, or you end up feeling stressed and staying later because you accept to help others, I would encourage you to ask yourself what is at the heart of your accepting to help out all the time. There is a fine line between being a constructive team player and being too nice and getting taken advantage of. As a manager, I always wanted my team to get along and help one another out, but not at the cost of other jobs not getting done on deadline and especially not if someone needed help because they were recklessly not keeping up with their responsibilities, for instance.

Personally, I like to be nice and help others. I am usually a real team player when I believe in what we’re doing. So I used to always accept to help when asked. But as I progressed through my career I had less time available and I also started to come across different colleagues who were not-so-nice who were asking for help. Some really took advantage of my willingness to help out. I am going to break them into the following categories – The Never-Learner, The Shirker, and the One-Upper. You’ll probably be familiar with at least some of the following behaviors if you have colleagues who are trying to take advantage of your kindness:

1)  The Never-Learner: The Never-Learner is someone who asks others to do something because they don’t know how to do it themselves (perhaps, this is quite conveniently as they don’t really want to learn how to do it!). You’ll recognize them through their technique of feigned helplessness. (You know the type, “I can’t understand how the database works” or “I can’t find the printer paper” etc). And the problem is generally that you take pity and help them out, or maybe you feel obliged to be nice and do it for them because that’s just who you are, or decide to do it yourself because it takes less time and is less painful than showing them how to do it themselves. Do you know any colleagues like that?

2)  The Shirker: The Shirker is someone who often prefers hanging out at the coffee machine or chatting over doing their work. They aren’t mean, just not very organized or very diligent, perhaps, and then get stressed because they are behind and it suddenly becomes your problem. Shirkers use two tactics generally. The first is that they try to flatter you into helping them (you know “you’re such a wizard with spreadsheets!”) and they count on your ego overriding your reason, so your ego responds with a resounding yes to prove they are right about your Excel skills, before you even know what has happened. Or, the second approach with Shirkers, is that they may ask a favor with such staged sweetness that it makes you feel bad to say no. And, worse yet, maybe you know that they’ll have a not-so-nice reaction if you say no.  They will whine, or be nasty, or hang around your desk forever telling you why they can’t do it in an effort to wear you down. So instead of dealing with that unpleasantness, you help them out, even if you have alarm bells going off in your head…

3)  The One-Upper: One-Uppers are folks that are constantly trying to out-do others. They will gladly use colleagues as resources to get themselves ahead and never share credit for the work done. Often they don’t even really know they are doing it – it’s just part of who they are. And they ask you to do things for them so confidently that you feel like you can’t even question it even though you have a feeling in your gut that you shouldn’t be helping them. I usually see this in folks from other departments or in a work group where someone self-appoints themselves as the leader. And this can be the most delicate group to deal with.

Well those are all pretty clear cases of where the ask for help may be overstretching what could be considered normal. But there are certainly times when you do need to help others at work – wanting to be nice or not – and some cases probably fall into the grey zone.   So how do you know when to “be nice” and when to ever so politely say “no, thank you”?  It’s not always clear, but here are some guidelines that might help you to decide:

1)  Generally speaking, the lower your position is in the hierarchy, the harder it will be to say no when someone asks for your help. That’s not fun, but it is how things tend to work in an office. That is part of the reason that you want to keep evolving in your career, right? And the requests always need to remain periodic and reasonable. And there are ways to reduce the frequency that you get asked to do things.

2)  If your boss is asking, say yes. But don’t miss out on having a short discussion about what it means if you take on the extra work if it is going to cause you a little set back in your timeline. It’s not a big deal, but just be clear that something else may take a little longer because of this extra job. And as you are now reporting regularly and are on top of your work list, you can easily manage this conversation with your boss, right? (episodes 3 & 4)

3)  If there are colleagues that you have a balanced help-exchange relationship with, then don't hesitate to help them out if your day has time for it. After all, we all can use some help every now and then and being able to count on each other at work is really important.

4)  Never-learners may fall into the category of folks that it would be in your best interest to help out by teaching them how to do it, even if it may be a little painful to take the time to do so. If they say yes, investing this time in the short run will likely help you out in the long run. If they avoid learning, you may need to let them know that you are not the solution to their problem.  A wise woman recently told me that some of the never-learners she has in her office agreed to learn but then feigned not remembering how to do it the next time around. Sneaky devils! So do what she does and make sure they write it down in front of you so they have no excuses the next time around!

5)  It seems clear to me that shirkers and one-uppers need to get on the ball and do their own work. Your own time is too valuable to let shirkers or one-uppers take advantage of your wish to help others.  Of course you can just say no to these people, in theory. In practice it is sometimes harder: they can have bad reactions, keep coming back and asking you over and over again, and they can sometimes be downright sneaky by getting your boss on board, for example. 

It’s complex – I get it. It isn’t always so easy to know when to politely decline helping colleagues. And once you decide to say no, saying no can be pretty unpleasant for some of us.

So, how to go about doing that? There are actually quite a few ways and I am going to devote a future episode to that. In the meantime, here are some tips that have worked for me over the years:

1)  First of all, get clear for yourself on when you will and when you won’t help someone. Take a few minutes to think about it after this episode and when you are going about your work. Knowing what you are and aren’t OK with will help you be ready when the request comes your way and it will be much easier for you to decide in the moment if you want to decline.

2)  If you set boundaries and you respect your own boundaries, people will learn to respect them too. If you want to leave by a certain time, don’t waste any time during your day. Keep breaks to a schedule (like, checking your clock and saying “I need to get back to work” instead of hanging out until the little group breaks up. This will send a clear signal to colleagues that you are there to do your work and you want to leave on time.

3)  This one may sound silly, but always “walk with purpose”. (quicker paced and looking like you know where you are going – on a mission!) People who walk with purpose – even to the bathroom or photocopier – project the message that they are busy working on things. Doing this can already dissuade some of those colleagues looking to take advantage of “nice souls”.

4)  Finally, you may need to learn to say no. And when you do, some people may not like it because it isn’t very convenient for them. I know it can be really difficult to say no for some people, but I believe there are different ways to say no or to avoid the situation coming up at all. As I mentioned, there are so many, that I am going to dedicate a whole episode to just that, so if you are interested in knowing how to say no in an easier way or to avoid the situation all together, make sure you are subscribed to the podcast to be informed automatically when the next episode comes out.

So remember, while being nice is a great part of your personality that I hope you will never lose, it should never be used to take advantage of you to get you to do someone else’s work! Look out for never-learners, Shirkers, and one-uppers, and get clear about when you personally feel it is a good idea to help others out with work and then start practicing saying no more often when you can.

So here is what I would like to leave you with: If being nice is an important part of who you are, and some colleagues are taking advantage of your kindness, know that it’s ok to say no sometimes. Deciding to say no doesn’t make you mean - it’s about valuing your time and respecting yourself!

Remember, you are the one who is looking after you. Protecting your time and respecting yourself isn’t always easy, but it is key in helping your work experience be the best it can be. You can do it!

As always, if you really want a career and life which makes you happy, please be very mindful of what you are doing and to be consistently deliberate. Make sure you are always looking after yourself, including in your career. And don’t just survive, take steps to thrive!

I look forward to speaking to you again soon. Until next time, may you be healthy, wealthy, and wise!