#23 Why Being a “Nice” Leader is an Asset

In a world where assertiveness and toughness are often celebrated, being kind can sometimes be seen as a weakness. But what if your kindness is actually one of your greatest leadership strengths? In this episode, we’ll explore how to embrace your natural empathy and approachability to build stronger, more loyal teams while maintaining boundaries and respect. You’ll learn how to define your own leadership style, using “niceness” as a tool for success. We’ll dive into why being approachable and empathetic makes you a better leader and how to set firm boundaries without compromising your values. By the end of this episode, you’ll feel more confident in leveraging your kindness to lead with strength and impact.

Transcript

Hi! This is Anita Belitz from the Wise Women’s Workplace Podcast, and I’m so excited you’re joining me today for this episode. If you’ve ever been told that being nice makes you weak, or that you need to toughen up to be taken seriously, or if you’ve ever wanted to tell someone, “I’m nice, not stupid!”, then this episode is for you.

Before we dive in, I want to clarify that I’m using "nice" and "kind" interchangeably throughout this episode, and I’m talking about having genuine concern for others and acting with compassion and empathy, regardless of how it might be perceived. I am not talking about being fake or flattering people to avoid conflict, or avoiding an uncomfortable topic because it could make people feel awkward. So, we’re talking about being thoughtful, truly helpful, and supportive to those around us—not self-serving. That’s the kind of "nice" I’m talking about.

Now that we’re on the same page, let’s get into it. Today, we’re going to talk about how being kind can actually help you lead effectively. It’s something we hear about in theory, but when I talk to my clients, it still seems to be missing in many workplaces. There’s a prevailing belief that kindness and leadership can’t coexist if you want to get ahead, and I want to challenge that idea. I believe you can be a compassionate, understanding—and yes, nice—leader that employees want to work with and give their best for. But as I said, being nice doesn’t mean being a pushover or not speaking your mind. And it isn’t always easy—being a so-called "nice" leader can be a slippery slope. By the end of today’s episode, you’ll see how you can be nice, stay true to yourself, and still be an incredibly effective leader.

Let me share a personal story about a time when I struggled with remaining “nice” in the face of some not-so-nice behavior, how I dealt with it effectively, and what it made me realize about what I needed to do to keep being a kind leader.

At the time, I was managing a small team, and I made a real effort to always say yes whenever one of my team members asked for time off, even when it wasn’t the most convenient for me or the rest of the team. My thought process was simple: if someone is asking for time off, there’s likely a good reason—whether it’s something personal, a special event, or just the need for a break. As long as we had advance notice, we could ensure everything got done. And if there was an unforeseen but unavoidable absence, we all worked together to cover for each other. I was confident that my team was made up of hardworking individuals who wouldn’t take advantage of this flexibility.

But when it came time to schedule vacations, things started to get complicated—something we never had issues with before. Two team members needed time off simultaneously. One, let’s call her Alicia, needed a specific time off because of her spouse’s fixed vacation schedule. The other, let’s call him Barry, wanted to avoid peak travel costs. Barry was new to the team and wanted clear rules established to avoid future conflicts. So, we set some ground rules about prioritizing vacation dates, which everyone agreed were fair—basically, whoever submitted their request first had priority.

However, instead of resolving the issue, it got worse. Barry began using the guidelines to block multiple vacation periods far in advance—way before Alicia even had her spouse’s vacation dates. Technically, Barry was following the rules, but it felt uncollaborative and left the rest of the team—including me—feeling manipulated.

Alicia came to me, expressing how unfair it felt. Even though she had agreed to the rules, she was frustrated, and honestly, I understood her point of view. I felt manipulated too. But the turning point came when Alicia asked me to intervene and force Barry to change his vacation dates. She appealed to my sense of fairness—she did have constraints, and he seemed to be using the rules unfairly—and she leaned into our friendly relationship, even painting Barry as a villain.

That’s when it hit me: she was trying to manipulate me too, under the guise of asking for my support. In that moment, I realized why keeping a “professional distance” is so important. It was tempting to side with her, especially because I agreed with her frustration and didn’t want to upset her. But I knew that siding with her wouldn’t be fair to Barry, who was following the process. It would also set a dangerous precedent and undermine my leadership and credibility in the long run. Still, simply saying “that’s just how it is” didn’t feel right either.

So, instead of taking sides, I wanted to make the boundaries clearer and help her see that Barry was being fair—he had followed the rules that we all agreed to. I said something like, “I understand that you’re disappointed, but we need to stick to the same rules for everyone to keep things fair.”

I could’ve left it at that, but I didn’t want to seem unsupportive, so I opened up a discussion by asking if she could think of another solution. I also told her that I’d be happy to facilitate a conversation between the three of us if she thought it would help. This way, I wasn’t bending the rules or playing favorites, but I was still showing support and fairness.

That situation made me realize that I could remain kind and on good terms with my team without having to become the “judge.” I started setting clearer boundaries and putting a bit more distance between myself and the team. At first, it felt awkward, and I worried about how setting stronger boundaries might affect my relationship with the team. But over time, I realized that by keeping a bit more distance—like reserving social chats for breaks and not getting too involved in personal discussions in the office—people started to see me as a leader who was fair, consistent, and didn’t show favoritism. I was still being nice, but I was also setting boundaries that strengthened my leadership and integrity.

Now, let’s dive into how being nice is actually a superpower in leadership. There are three key traits that nice leaders bring to the table, and these traits make a leader highly effective.

The first trait is empathy. Nice leaders build trust because we genuinely care about our team members and want to understand how they feel. When people feel seen and heard, they trust you more. It doesn’t mean you have to solve your employees’ problems for them, but it does mean paying attention to how they’re doing and asking questions before getting upset. Showing compassion and offering help when it makes sense—while maintaining boundaries—is how nice leaders build trust and support their team.

The second trait is approachability. When you lead with kindness, people feel comfortable coming to you with feedback, ideas, or concerns. This keeps you more in touch with your team, allowing you to address issues before they become major problems. It also smooths the feedback process—people are more likely to hear the whole message without focusing on feeling criticized. This fosters leadership skills in your team and keeps communication fluid.

The third trait is collaboration. Kindness fosters collaboration. If your team knows you’re open to listening and supportive, they’re more likely to share ideas and contribute. This creates a culture of innovation and teamwork. By being inclusive, acknowledging contributions, and building trusting relationships, your team feels valued and supported, which boosts their confidence and performance.

But here’s where nice leaders can get tripped up: without proper boundaries, it’s easy to support everyone at the expense of ourselves. Boundaries are essential because they make processes clearer, set expectations, and allow people to make decisions for themselves. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean making more rules; it often means creating clarity so people know how to behave when specific rules don’t exist.

Here are a few simple ways to start setting boundaries:

First, stick to agreed-upon rules, but keep dialogue open. For example, if you’ve set rules for vacation scheduling, say, “We agreed on these rules, and we’re going to follow them. But if there are concerns, I’m open to a team discussion to see if there’s a fair solution.” This reinforces consistency and fairness while keeping you approachable.

Second, clarify that fairness doesn’t mean special treatment. If someone tries to manipulate you, reiterate that the rules apply to everyone. You can say, “I understand your concerns, but my role is to maintain fairness for the entire team. We have a process to avoid these conflicts, and I need to respect that process for everyone.” Then, use silence to see what they say.

Lastly, offer mediation. If team members have competing priorities, offer to mediate instead of changing the rules. You can say, “I’m not going to cancel Barry’s vacation, but I’m happy to facilitate a discussion between you two to see if you can reach a compromise.”

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you less nice—it makes you more respected. It creates a more comfortable environment because people know what to expect.

Before we wrap up, let’s quickly recap today’s key takeaways. Remember, being nice doesn’t mean you’re weak—it’s a powerful leadership strength when paired with boundaries.

Here are the main points to remember:

• Empathy builds trust: Your ability to understand and connect with your team fosters deeper relationships and loyalty.
• Approachability encourages openness: When your team feels comfortable coming to you with ideas or concerns, communication improves.
• Setting boundaries shows strength: Being nice doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Setting boundaries encourages your team to take responsibility while allowing you to maintain respect.

By embracing kindness as a leadership strength and learning to set boundaries, you’ll create an environment where your team thrives, and you can lead with confidence.

Next week, we’ll dive into an important topic: how to talk about your achievements without feeling like you’re bragging. Don’t miss it—we’ll be discussing  knowing your value and how to articulate your contributions with confidence.

I hope today’s episode has helped you rethink the power of being nice in the workplace. Remember, being kind isn’t a weakness—it’s a strength. When paired with boundaries, it makes you an even more effective leader.

Take a few minutes today to reflect on how you’re showing up as a leader. Are there areas where you could lean into kindness a little more? Or places where you need to set stronger boundaries?

As always, if you want a career and life that makes you happy, be mindful of what you’re doing and take deliberate actions every day. Don’t just survive—take steps to thrive. I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Until next time, may you be healthy, wealthy, and wise!